As my readers well know, I, Zombie Cock have divers and extensive interests. Nothing, from nuclear proliferation to Sub-Saharan African military development to primate evolution is beyond my study. Recently though he has taken an interest in the politics of the Middle East, what with all the interesting things going on there and all. To satisfy my interests, I decided to contact the grandest and most prestigious experts experts of all, the leaders themselves. So I went all the way to the top and decided to call up the Saudi royal family. Unfortunately a deviant fragmented element of my personality took over and it turned into a prank call. Unfortunately, I was only able to reach a lower level minister who happened to be seriously hungover from a recent trip to London.
Al Saud: WHAT!?
ZC: Put me on with the king. I want to make him an offer he cant refuse.
Al Saud: Ha? who is this?
ZC: Silence you underling! You are not worthy to speak to such sublime profanity, such exalted insanity, such undying obscenity. You are only at you current position because your grand father was lucky enough to marry a daughter off to one of the ruling family's half brother's seconds cousins minor wife's crippled son who had it where it counted. And her father didn't even get enough qat to make it to mid day!
Al Saud: How do you know these things?
ZC: Because I am a preternatural being who has a lot of time on its hands and plenty of business ideas to share with your master. In fact I too am royalty. You may refer to me as his Infernal Lordship, The King of Douche! Now put me on with the big man.
Al Saud: He is busy.
ZC: NO one is too busy for me.
Al Saud: I can't get him.
ZC: No, you won't get him because you can't get up for fear of your head exploding as a result of the raging hang over you have as a result of your trip to London. I saw you in Soho by the way. Remember that sodomy is still illegal in your country.
Al Saud: What!?
ZC: That's right, but don't fear. I have a deal for you. I will give you an idea to bring to your master. But I ask one small favor. I wish to make the Hajj.
Al Saud: Ah....
ZC: In exchange for me getting to make a holy pilgrimage, I will invest in your your country. You see, the Hajj brings a lot of tourist dollars to your economy, but I can bust this ten fold. Have you ever heard of a Rave? Well of course you have. You are what we in my world call an etard after all those exsticy pills you popped last weekend. Maybe that's why you have to keep remarrying. I have a hint for you, viagra. That way you can do what the Prophet said and treat all your wives equally, even if your not into it.
Al Saud: (Hangs up)...........
ZC: You know what I don't care, I am a preternatural undead being. I have time above all else. All I wanted was to promote a rave in the grand mosque. It would have been a huge crowd draw and the Saudis are already used to dealing with huge crowds of wild extatic partyers. I mean that is all I see when they show up to my bar in Thailand.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Travelog Tokyo
If it wasn't for Japan, Korea would be the weirdest place on earth. The thing is Japan set the bar really high
Tokyo is the center of the world when it comes to being insane in all the right ways. Everyone works 50 hour weeks and after 11PM every night the whole city turns into one giant frat party. I mean there are business women in their power suits with their heads in garbage cans vomiting out their livers. I swear, the back streets turn into dawn of the dead when the bars close down for the night. Old dudes pissing on every perfectly manicured street corner.
Don't get me started on Kabuki Cho. People were fed up with having sex with prostitutes so they started banging dolls instead.
The days aren't much better. Stranded in Shinjuku, wandering the street trying to figure out how it is that if the length of the average woman's skirt was represented in negative numbers it would be longer than what they are actually wearing. Then it gets worse when in a hung over haze you stumble into Akihabara and start actually thinking the cozplay girls are hot because you can't find anything else for miles around. Then it proceeds to get even lower when school lets out and you wonder if the high school girls have been wearing the same skirts since 1st grade. Its November. I admire the thrift, but aren't you cold?
Finally the sun sets and stumbling back into the closest bar in Roppongi you think all is saved, until the man next to you starts explaining how hard it is to be a gigalo to all the high powered women who can't be tied down by a normal relationship. But not to worry. Soon enough the bars will close and you will be right at home with all the other undead crowd flooding the back streets, or is this just the set of some new bondage film in Kabuki Cho?
Tokyo is the center of the world when it comes to being insane in all the right ways. Everyone works 50 hour weeks and after 11PM every night the whole city turns into one giant frat party. I mean there are business women in their power suits with their heads in garbage cans vomiting out their livers. I swear, the back streets turn into dawn of the dead when the bars close down for the night. Old dudes pissing on every perfectly manicured street corner.
Don't get me started on Kabuki Cho. People were fed up with having sex with prostitutes so they started banging dolls instead.
The days aren't much better. Stranded in Shinjuku, wandering the street trying to figure out how it is that if the length of the average woman's skirt was represented in negative numbers it would be longer than what they are actually wearing. Then it gets worse when in a hung over haze you stumble into Akihabara and start actually thinking the cozplay girls are hot because you can't find anything else for miles around. Then it proceeds to get even lower when school lets out and you wonder if the high school girls have been wearing the same skirts since 1st grade. Its November. I admire the thrift, but aren't you cold?
Finally the sun sets and stumbling back into the closest bar in Roppongi you think all is saved, until the man next to you starts explaining how hard it is to be a gigalo to all the high powered women who can't be tied down by a normal relationship. But not to worry. Soon enough the bars will close and you will be right at home with all the other undead crowd flooding the back streets, or is this just the set of some new bondage film in Kabuki Cho?
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Coup de Etat in Hades
Lucifer is doing a shitty job of running Hell. You see, the place isn't as cool as most people think. I will rectify the situation. I mean, Monday through Thursday aren't that bad, if you are into that sort of thing, but Syphilitic Bear Friday really has to go. Apart from that it is actually seriously boring down there, just a lot of sad, sorry self-centered people being sad, sorry and self-centered, I would fix that.
I propose deposing the Devil and establishing a military junta, or dictatorial overlordship whichever seems best at the time. I will bust a cap in the ass of the dark boatman and jack his ride across styx. Then fire bomb it, then piss in the river. Then I will establish myself as a populist charismatic leader and overthrow the Devil himself.
 |
| You know you want it. |
We will have litteral underground cage matches between the devil and his minions and the above mentioned bears. Meanwhile I will set up 400 foot high walls of flame and put all the rock stars down there to work on endless drum solos and triumphant metal riffs. We will also deal with the terrestrial plane's Chimpanzee problem by inviting them down here to take part in our fight circuit. It will be an awesome feat of devious proportions since in Sheol they would accrue no evolutionary battle points.
I will establish trade with the outside world in order to to bring in all the alcohol we need to make it a truly bacchic event. What would we export in exchange you ask? Imagine a car that runs off fire and brimstone--world's energy problems solved!
With all this cool shit now happening down there it will become an attractive tourist destination. I will fix the the issue of having to die before you go there by setting up a rollercoster direct from Las Vegas to the depth of the inferno itself. They were all going to come here anyway.
It would be a huge crowd draw. I foresee all the cultural exchange, and possibly more so the rampant drunken partying leading to the native population lightening up a bit. It would bring them together. There will be holding of hands and dancing in the streets. And so Hell would be gentrified.
Oh Shit! I forgot, I am undead so can't even get back to the boatman. Crap. Who could we convince to enact the plan by proxy, and how should we go about it?
COMMENT OR I WILL EAT YOUR HEAD OFF
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
A debate between decomposing personalities of the Zombie Cock brain
Until Iran can build weapons that actually go up, the threat of Nuclear attack in the region is marginal. It is too easy to mess with all the second hand gear they have. If these live American humans ever went to war with Iran, which apparently the more intelligent ones hope they won't, it would be an epic victory.
epic, you sure? Unless you mean it would be epic if the American humans were defeated, then it would be an epic defeat. But the other way around there is no win, in the same way that whether you are victorious or vanquished you always lose picking a fight against a paraplegic.
But what if the paraplegic likes to beat up on quadroplegics because some quadroplegics accidentally have an opinion? He knows what he did. There was no accident. Kick him and his chair into traffic and don't look back.
This would still epicly fail to be an epic victory. It would at best be dirty work that needed doing. The fight may be just but the epicness of the victory is in direct proportion to the odds against. So in the case you propose the action may be just but you have only done a bit of quasi-righteous dirty work. Alternate example: "I just squished a mosquito that is carrying malaria." It needed to be done but I gain no honor. Now if Benin were to outmatch Iran, that would be an epic victory.
You know they may be able to soon if the chimpanzees in the region are not brought in check real soon. The world is for humans! But I digress. Have you seen the Iranian Air Force recently? http://www.spike.com/video
At least Benin doesn't need to refuel. Also, given the logic of nuclear proliferation and the obvious lack of ability on the part of Iran to develop reliable weapons platforms, Benin will be able to employ the bomb before Iran builds a rocket that works. That is unless the math department at every major university actually decides to go home anytime soon.
epic, you sure? Unless you mean it would be epic if the American humans were defeated, then it would be an epic defeat. But the other way around there is no win, in the same way that whether you are victorious or vanquished you always lose picking a fight against a paraplegic.But what if the paraplegic likes to beat up on quadroplegics because some quadroplegics accidentally have an opinion? He knows what he did. There was no accident. Kick him and his chair into traffic and don't look back.
This would still epicly fail to be an epic victory. It would at best be dirty work that needed doing. The fight may be just but the epicness of the victory is in direct proportion to the odds against. So in the case you propose the action may be just but you have only done a bit of quasi-righteous dirty work. Alternate example: "I just squished a mosquito that is carrying malaria." It needed to be done but I gain no honor. Now if Benin were to outmatch Iran, that would be an epic victory.
You know they may be able to soon if the chimpanzees in the region are not brought in check real soon. The world is for humans! But I digress. Have you seen the Iranian Air Force recently? http://www.spike.com/video
At least Benin doesn't need to refuel. Also, given the logic of nuclear proliferation and the obvious lack of ability on the part of Iran to develop reliable weapons platforms, Benin will be able to employ the bomb before Iran builds a rocket that works. That is unless the math department at every major university actually decides to go home anytime soon.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Indirect Self Motion By Telekinesis
Indirect Self Motion by Telekinesis, could this be an awesomely easier way to get to work or a disappointing reality?
When you think of telekinesis you probably think of bending forks or snapping bras or fighting super villains. These are amusing party tricks. However, the real practical awesomeness of telekinesis becomes evident when you turn it back on yourself. Just imagine if you could telekinesis your ass out of bed in the morning rather than having to go through the effort of actually doing it. And then telekinesis your way through your shower. Telekinesis yourself all the way to work and then through dealing with all the crap that involves. All without actually having to reach out and "bend the fork." You could just relax and enjoy life while you telekinesis yourself through the less pleasant bits.
Indirect self motion, you do not directly do anything. You don't actually have to move your hand or make your feet swing out from under the covers. You just telekinesis it. You get to remain in the comfortable repose of your mind and command. No bothersome nerve impulses. Just the power of the mind. The freedom of severing the mind/body connection altogether.
However, thanks to that bastard Descartes, this may be our frustrating reality already. Since he separated the mind and body no one has been able to account for the obvious connection. It is clear that if Descartes is right that we may very well be telekinesising our asses around already. That would suck. Because telekinesis should be awesome and that would make it not be. Descartes was a douche.
When you think of telekinesis you probably think of bending forks or snapping bras or fighting super villains. These are amusing party tricks. However, the real practical awesomeness of telekinesis becomes evident when you turn it back on yourself. Just imagine if you could telekinesis your ass out of bed in the morning rather than having to go through the effort of actually doing it. And then telekinesis your way through your shower. Telekinesis yourself all the way to work and then through dealing with all the crap that involves. All without actually having to reach out and "bend the fork." You could just relax and enjoy life while you telekinesis yourself through the less pleasant bits.
Indirect self motion, you do not directly do anything. You don't actually have to move your hand or make your feet swing out from under the covers. You just telekinesis it. You get to remain in the comfortable repose of your mind and command. No bothersome nerve impulses. Just the power of the mind. The freedom of severing the mind/body connection altogether.
However, thanks to that bastard Descartes, this may be our frustrating reality already. Since he separated the mind and body no one has been able to account for the obvious connection. It is clear that if Descartes is right that we may very well be telekinesising our asses around already. That would suck. Because telekinesis should be awesome and that would make it not be. Descartes was a douche.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
oh yes it could
How about this? How about you don't tell me it couldn't get any worse? At any given moment i can think of half a dozen ways things could be much worse, and that is before I even touch divergent chimpanzee evolution.
I speak of chimpanzees because they pose the most danger, at least speaking in terms of geopolitics. There are troops of these insidious primates that have begun weapon production. I mean, at this point it is still limited to sharpening straight sticks to make spears but all they need to do is learn to throw straight and they could definitely take on the air force of Benin.
This is in the wild. Behavioral scientists are not helping the situation. Teaching analytical and complex abstract communication skills and then infecting them with Rage. Definitely a bad idea.
I would have to take extreme umbrage with Enraged Baboon for his proposal several years ago that we turn Las Vegas into a gambling revenue driven animal warfare zone. Not that I think it wouldn't be awesome to get to bet on axe wielding wolverines fighting against a gorilla with an AK-47. I actually think is would be somewhat of an improvement on the current Las Vegas scene which has gotten just too tame after the new stricter performance regulations were instituted in response the tiger eating Helmut's head off leaving behind just Sigfried and Roy.
My major issue with the proposition is the combat evolution of the animals. In that sort of colosseum setting the chimpanzees would be able to rack up the points insanely quickly. It would be mere months before they reached level 50 at which point they get to choose a either a larger brain or the ability to reach all the controls in an F-35 Lightening.
If I were them I would definitely go for the F-35 because then only John McLane would have a chance of beating them. But it is all together a bad idea since if they are allowed to do that then they would beat all the other animals in the Las Vegas circuit way too easily and would quickly move on to annihilating the Monaco casinos in order to set up more animal fighting venues for them to dominate. In this way the chimpanzees would be able to evolve right through to Universal Emperor and then we would be at their mercy. I hope they are benevolent tyrants but I doubt it. So please don't assault my ear holes with such drivel as "things couldn't get any worse."
I speak of chimpanzees because they pose the most danger, at least speaking in terms of geopolitics. There are troops of these insidious primates that have begun weapon production. I mean, at this point it is still limited to sharpening straight sticks to make spears but all they need to do is learn to throw straight and they could definitely take on the air force of Benin.
This is in the wild. Behavioral scientists are not helping the situation. Teaching analytical and complex abstract communication skills and then infecting them with Rage. Definitely a bad idea.
I would have to take extreme umbrage with Enraged Baboon for his proposal several years ago that we turn Las Vegas into a gambling revenue driven animal warfare zone. Not that I think it wouldn't be awesome to get to bet on axe wielding wolverines fighting against a gorilla with an AK-47. I actually think is would be somewhat of an improvement on the current Las Vegas scene which has gotten just too tame after the new stricter performance regulations were instituted in response the tiger eating Helmut's head off leaving behind just Sigfried and Roy.
My major issue with the proposition is the combat evolution of the animals. In that sort of colosseum setting the chimpanzees would be able to rack up the points insanely quickly. It would be mere months before they reached level 50 at which point they get to choose a either a larger brain or the ability to reach all the controls in an F-35 Lightening.
If I were them I would definitely go for the F-35 because then only John McLane would have a chance of beating them. But it is all together a bad idea since if they are allowed to do that then they would beat all the other animals in the Las Vegas circuit way too easily and would quickly move on to annihilating the Monaco casinos in order to set up more animal fighting venues for them to dominate. In this way the chimpanzees would be able to evolve right through to Universal Emperor and then we would be at their mercy. I hope they are benevolent tyrants but I doubt it. So please don't assault my ear holes with such drivel as "things couldn't get any worse."
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