Coup de Etat in Hades

Lucifer is doing a shitty job of running Hell. You see, the place isn't as cool as most people think. I will rectify the situation. I mean, Monday through Thursday aren't that bad, if you are into that sort of thing, but Syphilitic Bear Friday really has to go. Apart from that it is actually seriously boring down there, just a lot of sad, sorry self-centered people being sad, sorry and self-centered, I would fix that. 

You know you want it.

I propose deposing the Devil and establishing a military junta, or dictatorial overlordship whichever seems best at the time. I will bust a cap in the ass of the dark boatman and jack his ride across styx. Then fire bomb it, then piss in the river. Then I will establish myself as a populist charismatic leader and overthrow the Devil himself.

We will have litteral underground cage matches between the devil and his minions and the above mentioned bears. Meanwhile I will set up 400 foot high walls of flame and put all the rock stars down there to work on endless drum solos and triumphant metal riffs. We will also deal with the terrestrial plane's Chimpanzee problem by inviting them down here to take part in our fight circuit. It will be an awesome feat of devious proportions since in Sheol they would accrue no evolutionary battle points.

I will establish trade with the outside world in order to to bring in all the alcohol we need to make it a truly bacchic event. What would we export in exchange you ask? Imagine a car that runs off fire and brimstone--world's energy problems solved!

With all this cool shit now happening down there it will become an attractive tourist destination. I will fix the the issue of having to die before you go there by setting up a rollercoster direct from Las Vegas to the depth of the inferno itself. They were all going to come here anyway.

It would be a huge crowd draw. I foresee all the cultural exchange, and possibly more so the rampant drunken partying leading to the native population lightening up a bit. It would bring them together. There will be holding of hands and dancing in the streets. And so Hell would be gentrified. 

Oh Shit! I forgot, I am undead so can't even get back to the boatman. Crap. Who could we convince to enact the plan by proxy, and how should we go about it?

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